Lonely

I am not the girl that a guy takes home to meet his parents. I am not the girl that is invited to holiday dinners. I am not even the girl you take out in public. I am the girl you call when you need to talk to someone. I am the girl that you only come over to my house to have sex. I will never be anyone's girlfriend. I will only be the slut and whore......

I read this today and it made me sad.

What kind of woman am I?

Today I was thinking all my female friends. We are all different. Some short. Some tall. Some skinny. Some over weight. Some with blond hair. Some with brown hair. Some are type A personality. Some are Type B. But some how we all get along when we are together.


While I was thinking of them indivdualy I started thinking of myself..... What type of person am I? When people think of me what do they think?

Dear friends and family,
i might be taking a long break in a nice little place filled with women. Because if we have this an umpire again and he calls a ball a strike again. I am going to take the baseball bat to his shine and ask him if he thinks that was a ball or a strike. So if you don't here from me in awhile i might be in jail for betting the shit out of a teeneage boy who does know what he is doing.
With much love,
shawnda (one very angery mommy)

Love? WTF!!!!

I fell in love with my best friend.......... HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!!!!!! I tried not to. I convinced myself we were just friends and that was it all was going to be. But the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my first thought was "shit. I am IN love."

Have I told the guy this? UHMMMM am I stupid???? NO I have not said anything. Have we told each other "I love you"? Yep.... but he also says it all of his friends so I don't put any meaning to it when he says it to me. Do I have any clue what I am going to do with this feeling? NO FLIPPING CLUE!!!

I have thought of different ways of telling him and playing out in my mind his response....

The first one:
Me: I love you.
Him: Oh baby I love you too.
Me: No you don't understand .... I am IN love with you.
Him: Really? Are you sure? Because I have been in love with you for the past couple of months.
-- Then he pulls me into his arms for a long romantic kiss.----

The next one is:
Me: I love you.
Him: Oh baby I love you too.
Me: No you don't understand .... I am IN love with you.
Him: Uhmmmm.... I don't know what to say. I love you but not romantically. Not at all. How in the hell did you fall for me? I just wanted a friendship.
--Then he walks out the front door.--

Now I know that the first one will never happen. I don't have that good of luck when it comes to love. And the second... well he might tell me that he does not love me THAT way but he would never just walk out the door. So I am stuck. Stuck knowing how I feel but not knowing how he feels. Do I tell him and have the fear of rejection? Or do I keep my mouth shut and do both of us the favor by not having to discuss it? And if I do tell him and he does not feel the same way then our friendship changes...

I am great at giving out advise when it comes to things like this (just ask my twin). But when it comes to ME .... yeah I am a chicken shit. I would rather save the text messages that mean something to me then have to tell him how I feel. I would rather close my eyes and remember how his arms felt like around my shoulders as he gave me a hug from behind then tell him I want him.

So what do I do?

As the curtain closes.....

We closed the show last night. We said good bye to our seniors and wish them well as they go off to college. There were tears and laughter and more tears. And we all hope that everyone stays in touch.....

At the end of every show it is always emotional. Are you ever going to see these people again? Are they going to be in the next show you work on? Most start out as strangers but before long they are part of your family. In six short weeks we saw relationships start and relationships end.

Most stay in touch after a show. A few texts here and emails there. But otherwise in a couple of months those seem to stop. BUT there are some who keep in touch long after the play ends. THOSE are the ones that become family.

A theater family is a special kind of family. They are the ones that will go to all your plays and tell you EXACTLY what they thought. They hold nothing back when it comes to your performance because they know exactly what you are capable of. They are the ones you call in the middle of the night because the "new" cast you are working with have made you misrable. They are the ones that you want to call first to share the news that you got a lead or you have a solo piece in the next play. And if you have meet your "theater family" hold on tight to them because in the end you need them and they need you.

But always remember .... There will always be another show.

An Emotional Day

So I was an emotional wreck yesterday. I was driving to work crying cause J left me, nobody wanted to date me, and i have no mountain dew. I know I know.....

But really makes this laughable is it all started because I did not have any Mountain Dew to take to work. Within ten minutes I convinced myself that nobody loves me, that it was all my fault for J being unhappy in the marriage, that I will never be good enough for anyone. And I was pathetic because I forgot to buy my daily Mountain Dew.

It came down to that I was just mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. Everyone kept texting me all day and told me that everything was okay and I was loved and someone was out there for me. But at that point all I could see was that I was a single mother of 3 struggling to raise her kids. No husband (so that prince charming happily ever after is just crap). And I still did not have any Mountain Dew (that one was actually at the top of the list).

So I cried all day at work. I cried cause I only had enough money to buy one Mountain Dew out of the vending machine. I cried cause I drank all my Mountain Dew and did not have any more money on me to buy another one. I cried cause I only had two pudding cups in my purse (which I ate while crying). I cried cause my boss left an empty box in my office. Then I cried when he wanted the box back. So yeah... it was a really bad day. I did not even cry this much when my dad died.... *sigh*

So I picked up the kids from daycare. Rented a couple of movies and ordered a couple of pizzas for the kids. We had ate dinner and started to watch movies... and I started to fall asleep. In the end I slept off and on for 14 hours.

This morning I felt better. Not great but better. We had lunch with my sister and niece. We had a great rehearsal for Happy Days. I took the kids to the mall and just kinda hung out there for a while. Then I took Steven over to a friends house so he could spend time there for awhile. I talked to the mom for awhile (we are friends). Then I brought the girls home and I took a long hot bath and realized .... Life might suck A LOT but in the end it works out.

I might not have someone to hold me when I am having a bad day or a nightmare. But what I do have is friends that love me (I get told it on a daily basis). I have the greatest kids anyone can ask for (most of the time). And a 2 two liters of Mountain Dew in the fridge unopened.

So my thought for tonight.... I wonder if there is someone for me. And if he is out there have i meet him yet? Did i scare him off with my honesty?

Susie Homemaker

I was on the phone today with a friend while I was at the grocery store and I was talking about what we were going to have for dinner tonight. Which by the way is frozen chicken nuggets and french fries. Then we got to talking about how I have invited him over for dinner but never showed so I stopped inviting. He got really serious and said "I know. I know. And I know that I have an open invite to your house at anytime I just have to show up." And I told him that was right it might only being frozen dinners that night but he can always show up when he wanted to.

When I got home and was unpacking the food I looked around the house. The first thought that came into my mind was "okay the house is clean. If he just showed up tonight it is okay. But there is NO telling what tomorrow night will look like." I tried to have the spotless house ..... That lasted for a whole 5 minutes. With 3 kids and me working two jobs there is no way the house is EVER going to be spotless (unless I have a live in maid).

I know I am not Susie homemaker either. Our dinners are usually either frozen or come from a box. Now do not get me wrong I LOVE to cook! It is just we do not have the time for me to make a 3 course meal every night. And with 3 kids it is hard to find something that everyone is going to like. So we usually need up eating the same thing over and over again.

But what I do know is that my kids are healthy and happy. Oh and if anyone is reading this and IS a Susie homemaker can you please tell me how you do it???? Or if someone wants to come over and clean my house and make us dinner everyone night for free go ahead email me :)

You wanna know the worest thing about being single? Not having someone to cuddle with at the end of the night..... Just a random thought.

I know i am tired when... One. I crawl under the blankets and could give a rats ass if i am lonely tonight or not. Two. I just put on the first thing i find for jps and hope it is mine and not one of the kids. And Three. I left my mountain dew in the over room and i could care less. Nighty night.

hey kids can I date?

My soon to be ex-husband left me 8 months ago. Sometimes it has been lonely but mostly I have managed.

So today I sat down with my son and asked him what he thought of me dating again. He looked me in the eyes and said... "NO". Well that shocked me. When I asked him why he said that he said he did not want me to date because he is afraid that the guy will want us to move in with him and my son did not want to move. Even after explaining that we would not be moving even IF I started dating seriously. And the only time we would move is if I married the guy. And I would have to date for years before I married again. EVEN after all of that my son still does not want me to date.

I love my kids so much. They are my world. But sometimes I want more. I want to be loved again. I want to have someone that wakes up and calls me beautiful and means it. I want a guy to look at me and say I Love You just because he wanted to say it. Not because it is habit or he wants sex. But as I looked at my son and saw his face when he said "NO" I knew that it will be a long time before I enter the dating scene. Which means it is going to be a really long time before I find my Mr. Right.

So to all the couples out there that are reading this *raises my wine glass* here is a wish to you for all the happiness. And to all the single people out there *raising my wine glass* I hope you find your happiness. Everyone deserves to wake up with a "I love you".

Always the friend

Now don't get me wrong.... I LOVE my friends!  They are the best group of people a gal can have.  We are all different and I think that is what makes us all click.  But when I think about us as a group it is mostly couples.  There are very few of us who are single.  And when I look at the ones that are single I wonder sometimes if it would work if I ever dated one of them. 

I have one in particular that I put a lot of thought into this question.  He has been my friend for over 20 years so why not right?  But as a single mom I can't just put myself out there to date just any body.  Even if I am not looking for a my next soul mate, I have to watch who I bring into my kids lives.  Now don't get me wrong this guy is great... okay good. But he is not someone I see taking my son to a baseball practice and staying to help out.  (Actually I think my kids scare him).  

I think what made me start looking at him in a different way was when Ally got sick.  He called or texted EVERY day for 2 weeks to see how she was.  Ally's own dad called twice in 2 weeks.  And at that moment I wondered if there could be something more.  But when I made myself sit down and think about it... all we will be is friends.

But he is my friend and I thank God every day that he managed to come back into my life (we lost contact for 13 years).  Now we found each other again and I am working on repair the damage I did by not speaking to him while I was married.  And slowly he is letting me in his life and telling me bits and pieces of what I missed.  And now that he is back I hope I am able to keep him in my life as my friend for the next 20 plus years.  No matter who either one of us dates or marries. 

Speedy

I have this guy at work that calls me Speedy because I walk so fast all the time.  One day I was walking through the shop and all of a sudden I stopped.  I had 3 guys coming jogging over and asking what was wrong!!  I looked at them all and said " oh nothing!  I just remembered I have to  pee".  Nobody comes over and asks me what is wrong any more when I stop walking in the shop ;) 

Pushed beyond what I can handle

Today I hit my limit, my brick wall, what ever you want to call it...  They say God will only put what he thinks you can handle.  My question to God is..... Does He think there is 5 of me!?!!??!?!?!?  Seriously!  I am a single mother of 3.  I work 3 jobs.  I help out at the youth group at church. Then all the stuff the kids are involved!  There is no way a single person can handle my day to day stress with out going insane!

So what was my breaking point...  Getting pulled over by the county police (speeding).  So I am on the phone with the youth leader when this happens and the whole time I am having a panic attack.  And the whole entire time I am waiting for them to run my liense and I am talking to the youth leader I am almost in tears.  I am also praying to God "please lord don't let me be arrested.  Cause I can not remember if I paid that ticket from 2004 or not."  And I am thinking ... who is going to pick up my kids and feed them dinner?  Plus who is going to make the cupcakes for the youth group.  So again in between panicking and praying I just laid my head on my steering wheel and closed my eyes.  That is when I knew I could not do it any more.  

So I got off with a warning (YAY)  but before the nice police officer got out of his car I made a deal with God.  I would swear off men for a month if I was not arrested....  Yeah I know do not make deals with God unless you plan on going through with them. 

Wonder

Have you ever just wondered if this is all it?  Is this all life has to offer you?   I started to think about dating again.... yeah yeah I know... why put myself through all of it again.  So I texted a good friend of mine to see if he knew of anyone he could set me up with.... That was a dead end street there.  While I was texting my friend I mentioned that I thought my life was pathetic.  Here I had a whole week with out the kids and I did nothing but sit at home.  While waiting for his response (which on a given night could take from 5 minutes to 3 hours) I imagined him agreeing with me just so he could get back to his game.  But instead he told me that my life was not pathetic and between my 3 kids, youth group, theater group, and working a full time JOB that was a lot of just one person.....  But I still feel like I am missing something... oh well... guess it was meant to be that I never find it.

gawd... i am sounding desperate.... i really need my plays and the kids softball season to start up! That way I will be too busy to realize there is not a man in my life.. haha