You wanna know the worest thing about being single? Not having someone to cuddle with at the end of the night..... Just a random thought.

I know i am tired when... One. I crawl under the blankets and could give a rats ass if i am lonely tonight or not. Two. I just put on the first thing i find for jps and hope it is mine and not one of the kids. And Three. I left my mountain dew in the over room and i could care less. Nighty night.

hey kids can I date?

My soon to be ex-husband left me 8 months ago. Sometimes it has been lonely but mostly I have managed.

So today I sat down with my son and asked him what he thought of me dating again. He looked me in the eyes and said... "NO". Well that shocked me. When I asked him why he said that he said he did not want me to date because he is afraid that the guy will want us to move in with him and my son did not want to move. Even after explaining that we would not be moving even IF I started dating seriously. And the only time we would move is if I married the guy. And I would have to date for years before I married again. EVEN after all of that my son still does not want me to date.

I love my kids so much. They are my world. But sometimes I want more. I want to be loved again. I want to have someone that wakes up and calls me beautiful and means it. I want a guy to look at me and say I Love You just because he wanted to say it. Not because it is habit or he wants sex. But as I looked at my son and saw his face when he said "NO" I knew that it will be a long time before I enter the dating scene. Which means it is going to be a really long time before I find my Mr. Right.

So to all the couples out there that are reading this *raises my wine glass* here is a wish to you for all the happiness. And to all the single people out there *raising my wine glass* I hope you find your happiness. Everyone deserves to wake up with a "I love you".

Always the friend

Now don't get me wrong.... I LOVE my friends!  They are the best group of people a gal can have.  We are all different and I think that is what makes us all click.  But when I think about us as a group it is mostly couples.  There are very few of us who are single.  And when I look at the ones that are single I wonder sometimes if it would work if I ever dated one of them. 

I have one in particular that I put a lot of thought into this question.  He has been my friend for over 20 years so why not right?  But as a single mom I can't just put myself out there to date just any body.  Even if I am not looking for a my next soul mate, I have to watch who I bring into my kids lives.  Now don't get me wrong this guy is great... okay good. But he is not someone I see taking my son to a baseball practice and staying to help out.  (Actually I think my kids scare him).  

I think what made me start looking at him in a different way was when Ally got sick.  He called or texted EVERY day for 2 weeks to see how she was.  Ally's own dad called twice in 2 weeks.  And at that moment I wondered if there could be something more.  But when I made myself sit down and think about it... all we will be is friends.

But he is my friend and I thank God every day that he managed to come back into my life (we lost contact for 13 years).  Now we found each other again and I am working on repair the damage I did by not speaking to him while I was married.  And slowly he is letting me in his life and telling me bits and pieces of what I missed.  And now that he is back I hope I am able to keep him in my life as my friend for the next 20 plus years.  No matter who either one of us dates or marries. 

Speedy

I have this guy at work that calls me Speedy because I walk so fast all the time.  One day I was walking through the shop and all of a sudden I stopped.  I had 3 guys coming jogging over and asking what was wrong!!  I looked at them all and said " oh nothing!  I just remembered I have to  pee".  Nobody comes over and asks me what is wrong any more when I stop walking in the shop ;) 

Pushed beyond what I can handle

Today I hit my limit, my brick wall, what ever you want to call it...  They say God will only put what he thinks you can handle.  My question to God is..... Does He think there is 5 of me!?!!??!?!?!?  Seriously!  I am a single mother of 3.  I work 3 jobs.  I help out at the youth group at church. Then all the stuff the kids are involved!  There is no way a single person can handle my day to day stress with out going insane!

So what was my breaking point...  Getting pulled over by the county police (speeding).  So I am on the phone with the youth leader when this happens and the whole time I am having a panic attack.  And the whole entire time I am waiting for them to run my liense and I am talking to the youth leader I am almost in tears.  I am also praying to God "please lord don't let me be arrested.  Cause I can not remember if I paid that ticket from 2004 or not."  And I am thinking ... who is going to pick up my kids and feed them dinner?  Plus who is going to make the cupcakes for the youth group.  So again in between panicking and praying I just laid my head on my steering wheel and closed my eyes.  That is when I knew I could not do it any more.  

So I got off with a warning (YAY)  but before the nice police officer got out of his car I made a deal with God.  I would swear off men for a month if I was not arrested....  Yeah I know do not make deals with God unless you plan on going through with them. 

Wonder

Have you ever just wondered if this is all it?  Is this all life has to offer you?   I started to think about dating again.... yeah yeah I know... why put myself through all of it again.  So I texted a good friend of mine to see if he knew of anyone he could set me up with.... That was a dead end street there.  While I was texting my friend I mentioned that I thought my life was pathetic.  Here I had a whole week with out the kids and I did nothing but sit at home.  While waiting for his response (which on a given night could take from 5 minutes to 3 hours) I imagined him agreeing with me just so he could get back to his game.  But instead he told me that my life was not pathetic and between my 3 kids, youth group, theater group, and working a full time JOB that was a lot of just one person.....  But I still feel like I am missing something... oh well... guess it was meant to be that I never find it.

gawd... i am sounding desperate.... i really need my plays and the kids softball season to start up! That way I will be too busy to realize there is not a man in my life.. haha