Living a lie

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would miss me if I ever just packed up and left. I wonder how long it would take before anyone even realized I was gone.... an hour, a day, or even a week. I have had a couple of rough months and nobody to talk to. I guess the reason nobody is here to talk to cause nobody knows. Everyday I leave the house with a smile on my face and pretend I live this perfect happy life..... but every day I live a lie. Most days I cry and most nights I get in my car after work and think about just driving away.

Lonely

I am not the girl that a guy takes home to meet his parents. I am not the girl that is invited to holiday dinners. I am not even the girl you take out in public. I am the girl you call when you need to talk to someone. I am the girl that you only come over to my house to have sex. I will never be anyone's girlfriend. I will only be the slut and whore......

I read this today and it made me sad.

What kind of woman am I?

Today I was thinking all my female friends. We are all different. Some short. Some tall. Some skinny. Some over weight. Some with blond hair. Some with brown hair. Some are type A personality. Some are Type B. But some how we all get along when we are together.


While I was thinking of them indivdualy I started thinking of myself..... What type of person am I? When people think of me what do they think?

Dear friends and family,
i might be taking a long break in a nice little place filled with women. Because if we have this an umpire again and he calls a ball a strike again. I am going to take the baseball bat to his shine and ask him if he thinks that was a ball or a strike. So if you don't here from me in awhile i might be in jail for betting the shit out of a teeneage boy who does know what he is doing.
With much love,
shawnda (one very angery mommy)

Love? WTF!!!!

I fell in love with my best friend.......... HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!!!!!! I tried not to. I convinced myself we were just friends and that was it all was going to be. But the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and my first thought was "shit. I am IN love."

Have I told the guy this? UHMMMM am I stupid???? NO I have not said anything. Have we told each other "I love you"? Yep.... but he also says it all of his friends so I don't put any meaning to it when he says it to me. Do I have any clue what I am going to do with this feeling? NO FLIPPING CLUE!!!

I have thought of different ways of telling him and playing out in my mind his response....

The first one:
Me: I love you.
Him: Oh baby I love you too.
Me: No you don't understand .... I am IN love with you.
Him: Really? Are you sure? Because I have been in love with you for the past couple of months.
-- Then he pulls me into his arms for a long romantic kiss.----

The next one is:
Me: I love you.
Him: Oh baby I love you too.
Me: No you don't understand .... I am IN love with you.
Him: Uhmmmm.... I don't know what to say. I love you but not romantically. Not at all. How in the hell did you fall for me? I just wanted a friendship.
--Then he walks out the front door.--

Now I know that the first one will never happen. I don't have that good of luck when it comes to love. And the second... well he might tell me that he does not love me THAT way but he would never just walk out the door. So I am stuck. Stuck knowing how I feel but not knowing how he feels. Do I tell him and have the fear of rejection? Or do I keep my mouth shut and do both of us the favor by not having to discuss it? And if I do tell him and he does not feel the same way then our friendship changes...

I am great at giving out advise when it comes to things like this (just ask my twin). But when it comes to ME .... yeah I am a chicken shit. I would rather save the text messages that mean something to me then have to tell him how I feel. I would rather close my eyes and remember how his arms felt like around my shoulders as he gave me a hug from behind then tell him I want him.

So what do I do?

As the curtain closes.....

We closed the show last night. We said good bye to our seniors and wish them well as they go off to college. There were tears and laughter and more tears. And we all hope that everyone stays in touch.....

At the end of every show it is always emotional. Are you ever going to see these people again? Are they going to be in the next show you work on? Most start out as strangers but before long they are part of your family. In six short weeks we saw relationships start and relationships end.

Most stay in touch after a show. A few texts here and emails there. But otherwise in a couple of months those seem to stop. BUT there are some who keep in touch long after the play ends. THOSE are the ones that become family.

A theater family is a special kind of family. They are the ones that will go to all your plays and tell you EXACTLY what they thought. They hold nothing back when it comes to your performance because they know exactly what you are capable of. They are the ones you call in the middle of the night because the "new" cast you are working with have made you misrable. They are the ones that you want to call first to share the news that you got a lead or you have a solo piece in the next play. And if you have meet your "theater family" hold on tight to them because in the end you need them and they need you.

But always remember .... There will always be another show.

An Emotional Day

So I was an emotional wreck yesterday. I was driving to work crying cause J left me, nobody wanted to date me, and i have no mountain dew. I know I know.....

But really makes this laughable is it all started because I did not have any Mountain Dew to take to work. Within ten minutes I convinced myself that nobody loves me, that it was all my fault for J being unhappy in the marriage, that I will never be good enough for anyone. And I was pathetic because I forgot to buy my daily Mountain Dew.

It came down to that I was just mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. Everyone kept texting me all day and told me that everything was okay and I was loved and someone was out there for me. But at that point all I could see was that I was a single mother of 3 struggling to raise her kids. No husband (so that prince charming happily ever after is just crap). And I still did not have any Mountain Dew (that one was actually at the top of the list).

So I cried all day at work. I cried cause I only had enough money to buy one Mountain Dew out of the vending machine. I cried cause I drank all my Mountain Dew and did not have any more money on me to buy another one. I cried cause I only had two pudding cups in my purse (which I ate while crying). I cried cause my boss left an empty box in my office. Then I cried when he wanted the box back. So yeah... it was a really bad day. I did not even cry this much when my dad died.... *sigh*

So I picked up the kids from daycare. Rented a couple of movies and ordered a couple of pizzas for the kids. We had ate dinner and started to watch movies... and I started to fall asleep. In the end I slept off and on for 14 hours.

This morning I felt better. Not great but better. We had lunch with my sister and niece. We had a great rehearsal for Happy Days. I took the kids to the mall and just kinda hung out there for a while. Then I took Steven over to a friends house so he could spend time there for awhile. I talked to the mom for awhile (we are friends). Then I brought the girls home and I took a long hot bath and realized .... Life might suck A LOT but in the end it works out.

I might not have someone to hold me when I am having a bad day or a nightmare. But what I do have is friends that love me (I get told it on a daily basis). I have the greatest kids anyone can ask for (most of the time). And a 2 two liters of Mountain Dew in the fridge unopened.